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Honey
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Honey is a teenager with low self-esteem who's stuck in a dysfunctional
family. No matter how hard she tries to connect with her parents and get
them to treat each other better, they never take her seriously. She says
her home is "an unfathomable mess" that brims with old newspapers and clutter.
Nobody cooks, so Honey
eats take-out or zaps a frozen dinner at home. They don't celebrate holidays--
no Thanksgiving dinner, and no Christmas or birthday gifts-- even though
they can well afford it. The extent of her mother's housekeeping is to
wash dishes or laundry now and then. She watches television all day
and sleeps with it on all night, filling her mind with noise so she doesn't
have to face the mysteries of her mind and heart. Honey's father tries
to manipulates her into taking his side in her parents' arguments, so she
just stays in her bedroom most of the time. She has two dogs she loves,
but her mother won't allow them in the house so they stay in their crates
outdoors unless Honey is there to care for them.
She and her brother
do well in school but their parents care more about enlisting the kids
in their battles against each other than creating a normal life for them.
Honey craves a loving and supportive family, but feels hopeless about the
possibility.Ý As a sophomore in high school, she'll be independent in a
couple of years. She asked me for ideas to improve her life, even if learning
how to cope with the consequences of growing up in this family was the
best she could do.
I saw Honey as a strong,
smart person who understands how bad her family life is, but has little
recourse to do anything about it. I told her that although her parents
were too wrapped up in their own problems to give her what she needs, their
dysfunction was not reason for her to give up on herself. I suggested that
instead of trying to change her family, she should spend time exploring
new possibilities for her life, and finding what she's good at and staying
away from what makes her feel bad will help her discover her own solutions.Ý
For example, because she tries to make things right, she might like to
be a firefighter, or a doctor, using her intelligence and empathy to help
people in real danger. And her love for her dogs might mean she'd like
being a veterinarian, zookeeper, or working at an animal shelter. I told
her to see if her school's guidance counselor could help her find someone
with whom she could apprentice.
Honey is introspective,
so she could give her dreams a better chance to come true by keeping a
journal of ideas that light her up, or prepare for her own transition by
writing a short story about a young woman's journey from confusion to fulfillment.ÝI
encouraged her to toy with new ideas, and to start distancing herself from
her parents' dysfunction. To do that, she could try to get a scholarship,
perhaps at a school that will provide room, board, and a good education.
Perhaps her school's counselor, a teacher she respects, or any adult she
admires, can help.
At heart, Honey's journey
is similar to everyone else's. Each of us comes into life with a purpose,
and we can't change anyone but ourselves. Our greatest challenge is to
discover what we came here forand be the best we can be at it, which may
inspire others close to us to change too. The goal is to find our own path,
the one that makes us feel good about ourselves. When we have a dream to
focus on, the "noise" of everyday life starts to recede and we become clearer,
and more capable.
We can immunize ourselves
from others' negative effects if we set and follow a course to our dreams.
Honey's parents don't give her what she needs, and worse yet, they aren't
interested in her, but overcoming their neglect is not impossible. Their
attitudes are most likely related to how their parents treated them, but
Honey seems to have the intelligence, sensitivity, and courage to break
the cycle. It may be lonely at first, but it will pay off as she starts
to meet people with similar interests and realize her passion.
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My
Family Is Driving Me Crazy
Dear
Suzanne,
I had a wonderful therapist in (city) for many years, but having
moved back to (city) recently and being around all my family's dysfunction,
I'm disappointed to be drowning in it again. I really need help.
Drowning
****
Dear Drowning,
I understand your predicament. It's difficult to stay balanced when a loved
one pushes your buttons. If you haven't yet read my article "SURVIVING
A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY: Ten Ways to Make Peace With the Past and Create
a New Future," you may find it helpful. For more support, find a counselor
you trust in your new area. The best referrals are from people you know
who have a therapist they like, or a university counseling center, or your
county or state Health and Human Services department.
Create a network of friends to support the behaviors and attitudes you
developed before, and to keep you from crumbling when your family stimulates
old patterns. Or join a support group to draw strength from the experiences
of others in similar situations
Keeping
your distance from your family helps too. Use it as a last resort, and
don't feel guilty about it. Your own mental health should be your first
priority.
I wish you healing.
****
("Drowning" replied:
Oh, bless you! I read
your "Ten Ways." It was very helpful, as were your suggestions for resources.
It really helped hearing from you. I didn't expect such caring from an
on-line stranger. You are a stranger no more. Thank you again.)
___________________
My
Brother Is Dying
Dear Suzanne,
My brother is dying of a brain tumor. He's been staying with friends who
are more able to care for him than I am. Although I'm not in a position
to care for him myself, I still feel hurt and jealous. I see him as much
as I can, but I have a full-time job I can't afford to lose. I'm already
helping to care for his daughter, whose mother split when my niece was
a baby.
I phone my brother every day, but he's so weak it's hard for him to talk
and I never know what to say. Today while I was telling him a silly story
about our Mom (who's always annoyed both of us very much) and her secret
family tomato sauce recipe, my brother told me he was nauseated and had
to hang up. I was trying to amuse him, but I must have made him sick. Can
you tell me what went wrong and how to fix it?
Superficial Sister
****
Dear Sister,
First, consider yourself blessed to have someone who can care for your
brother. Although you want to help, your brother probably wouldn't want
you to extend yourself to the point where it would ruin your life. Your
jealousy may reflect doubts that he knows how much you love him, which
should be your main goal now, not amusing stories. Get real. You have only
a limited time to tell him the most important things you want him to know.
If you want to tell stories, talk about when you enjoyed yourselves together,
or what you admire about him. Treat each conversation as if it might be
your last, because it might.
If you can't find words to express your feelings, tell him that. It doesn't
matter what you say, or if you talk at all. What counts is connecting.
Hold his hand. Feel your love for him, and feel him feeling it too. Honor
your brother by using this situation as a chance to be more than you ever
thought you could. It will probably please him.
I wish you all healing.
___________________
I'm Isolated
By Fear
Dear Suzanne,
I'm too afraid to see a doctor, but I've been going through some strange
behaviors periodically for the last nine years. Ever since I was a little
girl, I've tried to be happy and stable but at times felt very lonely and
depressed. Now I am thirty with two children. I get headaches often. I'm
tired a lot, and dizzy. I don't know what to talk about with people, even
my own husband, which makes me feel isolated. I make friends, but then
it seems like they don't want anything to do with me.
The other day at a Christmas party, I was talking with a few women when
the strangest feeling came over me. The more people I talked to, the worse
the feeling got. By the time I got home I was very depressed. The next
morning I kept hearing in my mind fears of certain places and of people
looking at me. As I was driving home I became disoriented. When I got home
I just wanted to cry but couldn't because there was too much I had to do.
I don't know what to do or where to go for help. I have no insurance and
it is so hard to trust people. Since this is over the internet I feel freer
to open up. I hope you can give me some suggestions. I need to be able
to cope with this.
Frightened
****
Dear Frightened,
I understand your struggle. It seems to me that you may be extremely sensitive
and not realizing that your feelings may reflect what you're sensing in
others. I urge you to find someone to talk to about this. No matter how
stupid, strange or awful your feelings seem to you, an outside perspective
can help clear up confusion and free your energy and creativity. Be willing
to pour your heart out. Don't follow advice blindly, but do explore ideas
that make sense to you and see what happens.
Your headaches, fatigue and dizzy spells may be caused by the tension you
feel, but you should have them checked out. Ask your local government's
Health and Human Services Department to refer you to a clinic that accepts
people without insurance or charges a small fee based on your income level.
Or if you live near a college or university, check to see if they have
a clinic.
It could
also help if you learn to meditate. When life feels like chaos, meditation
can cut through the confusion and calm your mind. It's not hard to start,
and it helps you understand your feelings and tap into your inner wisdom.
Even five minutes a day can make a difference. Keeping a journal might
help as well. When you write things down, they lose their intensity, and
you can see yourself more objectively.
Take time to have fun and enjoy life. Something as simple as a warm bath
or a short walk can change your perspective. Rest and eat when you need
to, drink lots of water, and exercise.
Some allergies can disturb the body's chemistry. Tobacco, alcohol, caffeine,
prescription or mind-altering drugs, wheat, dairy products, nuts and beans,
or nutritional imbalances can cause psychological symptoms. Try changing
your diet or habits. It may work wonders.
I wish you healing.
___________________
I
Made A Bad Decision
Dear Suzanne,
I made a bad decision recently in deciding to take in my daughter and her
two sons after she lost her job and her marriage broke up. All three of
them are selfish and sloppy, and they become quite hostile if I ask them
to do anything around the house. I also believe my grandsons are stealing
money from my wallet when I'm not looking.
I want to ask them to leave but they don't have anywhere else to go. I'm
afraid that things will get worse and eventually they will run me out of
my own house. Can you help me?
Worried
****
Dear Worried,
I understand your dilemma, and know how hard it is to know what to do when
a family member is in trouble. But now that you realize the problem your
well-meant gesture created, correct it. Set things right for yourself.
Your own mental health should come first with you, no matter what your
loved ones are going through. You can't help them or have a fruitful life
if you're out of balance between wanting to help and going too far.
Unfortunately, there is not much you can do to change your family's situation
or attitudes. It's not within your power to fix or save them. If they haven't
behaved in a way that deserves your continued support, it's perfectly all
right for you to ask them to leave. It may be that they will go through
a rough time until they realize how to make things work better, but it's
not going to be your fault, and you have to believe this. In fact, you
will be doing them a service if it forces them to find the resources they
need to create the life they'd rather have.
Just do your best to love them, and to be true to your highest instincts.
Everyone's life reflect their spirit's purpose, whether we understand that
or not. Nothing anyone can do can change what that is. Your circumstances
are spirit's way of of teaching and learning. The situations we find ourselves
in and the people closest to us can help us untangle the mysteries of our
minds and spirits. No matter how bad it may seem, hard times offer an opportunity
to find meaning in your life, and for your family members to find meaning
in theirs. Emotional challenges are part of the human condition. Life goes
up and down. No one is happy all the time. Trust that what you each go
through will lead to greater understanding. Please don't feel that you've
failed if you can't help your family. It's between them and their spirits
to work out together. Trust in the existence of a higher power and
its reflection in all of life, including you.
I wish you all healing. |
