Dear Drowning,
     I understand your predicament. It's difficult to stay balanced when a loved one pushes your buttons. If you haven't yet read my article "SURVIVING A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY: Ten Ways to Make Peace With the Past and Create a New Future," you may find it helpful. For more support, find a counselor you trust in your new area. The best referrals are from people you know who have a therapist they like, or a university counseling center, or your county or state Health and Human Services department.
     Create a network of friends to support the behaviors and attitudes you developed before, and to keep you from crumbling when your family stimulates old patterns. Or join a support group to draw strength from the experiences of others in similar situations
   Keeping your distance from your family helps too. Use it as a last resort, and don't feel guilty about it. Your own mental health should be your first priority.
     I wish you healing.
****
("Drowning" replied: 
Oh, bless you! I read your "Ten Ways." It was very helpful, as were your suggestions for resources. It really helped hearing from you. I didn't expect such caring from an on-line stranger. You are a stranger no more. Thank you again.)

Dear Suzanne,
    My brother is dying of a brain tumor. He's been staying with friends who are more able to care for him than I am. Although I'm not in a position to care for him myself, I still feel hurt and jealous. I see him as much as I can, but I have a full-time job I can't afford to lose. I'm already helping to care for his daughter, whose mother split when my niece was a baby.
    I phone my brother every day, but he's so weak it's hard for him to talk and I never know what to say. Today while I was telling him a silly story about our Mom (who's always annoyed both of us very much) and her secret family tomato sauce recipe, my brother told me he was nauseated and had to hang up. I was trying to amuse him, but I must have made him sick. Can you tell me what went wrong and how to fix it? 
Superficial Sister
****

Dear Sister,
    First, consider yourself blessed to have someone who can care for your brother. Although you want to help, your brother probably wouldn't want you to extend yourself to the point where it would ruin your life. Your jealousy may reflect doubts that he knows how much you love him, which should be your main goal now, not amusing stories. Get real. You have only a limited time to tell him the most important things you want him to know. If you want to tell stories, talk about when you enjoyed yourselves together, or what you admire about him. Treat each conversation as if it might be your last, because it might. 
    If you can't find words to express your feelings, tell him that. It doesn't matter what you say, or if you talk at all. What counts is connecting. Hold his hand. Feel your love for him, and feel him feeling it too. Honor your brother by using this situation as a chance to be more than you ever thought you could. It will probably please him.
    I wish you all healing.

Dear Suzanne, 
     I'm too afraid to see a doctor, but I've been going through some strange behaviors periodically for the last nine years. Ever since I was a little girl, I've tried to be happy and stable but at times felt very lonely and depressed. Now I am thirty with two children. I get headaches often. I'm tired a lot, and dizzy. I don't know what to talk about with people, even my own husband, which makes me feel isolated. I make friends, but then it seems like they don't want anything to do with me. 
    The other day at a Christmas party, I was talking with a few women when the strangest feeling came over me. The more people I talked to, the worse the feeling got. By the time I got home I was very depressed. The next morning I kept hearing in my mind fears of certain places and of people looking at me. As I was driving home I became disoriented. When I got home I just wanted to cry but couldn't because there was too much I had to do. 
     I don't know what to do or where to go for help. I have no insurance and it is so hard to trust people. Since this is over the internet I feel freer to open up. I hope you can give me some suggestions. I need to be able to cope with this.
Frightened
****

Dear Frightened,
    I understand your struggle. It seems to me that you may be extremely sensitive and not realizing that your feelings may reflect what you're sensing in others. I urge you to find someone to talk to about this. No matter how stupid, strange or awful your feelings seem to you, an outside perspective can help clear up confusion and free your energy and creativity. Be willing to pour your heart out. Don't follow advice blindly, but do explore ideas that make sense to you and see what happens.
     Your headaches, fatigue and dizzy spells may be caused by the tension you feel, but you should have them checked out. Ask your local government's Health and Human Services Department to refer you to a clinic that accepts people without insurance or charges a small fee based on your income level. Or if you live near a college or university, check to see if they have a clinic.
   It could also help if you learn to meditate. When life feels like chaos, meditation can cut through the confusion and calm your mind. It's not hard to start, and it helps you understand your feelings and tap into your inner wisdom. Even five minutes a day can make a difference. Keeping a journal might help as well. When you write things down, they lose their intensity, and you can see yourself more objectively.
    Take time to have fun and enjoy life. Something as simple as a warm bath or a short walk can change your perspective. Rest and eat when you need to, drink lots of water, and exercise.
    Some allergies can disturb the body's chemistry. Tobacco, alcohol, caffeine, prescription or mind-altering drugs, wheat, dairy products, nuts and beans, or nutritional imbalances can cause psychological symptoms. Try changing your diet or habits. It may work wonders.
    I wish you healing.

Dear Suzanne,
     I made a bad decision recently in deciding to take in my daughter and her two sons after she lost her job and her marriage broke up. All three of them are selfish and sloppy, and they become quite hostile if I ask them to do anything around the house. I also believe my grandsons are stealing money from my wallet when I'm not looking. 
     I want to ask them to leave but they don't have anywhere else to go. I'm afraid that things will get worse and eventually they will run me out of my own house. Can you help me?
Worried
**** 

Dear Worried,
     I understand your dilemma, and know how hard it is to know what to do when a family member is in trouble. But now that you realize the problem your well-meant gesture created, correct it. Set things right for yourself. Your own mental health should come first with you, no matter what your loved ones are going through. You can't help them or have a fruitful life if you're out of balance between wanting to help and going too far.
     Unfortunately, there is not much you can do to change your family's situation or attitudes. It's not within your power to fix or save them. If they haven't behaved in a way that deserves your continued support, it's perfectly all right for you to ask them to leave. It may be that they will go through a rough time until they realize how to make things work better, but it's not going to be your fault, and you have to believe this. In fact, you will be doing them a service if it forces them to find the resources they need to create the life they'd rather have.
     Just do your best to love them, and to be true to your highest instincts. Everyone's life reflect their spirit's purpose, whether we understand that or not. Nothing anyone can do can change what that is. Your circumstances are spirit's way of of teaching and learning. The situations we find ourselves in and the people closest to us can help us untangle the mysteries of our minds and spirits. No matter how bad it may seem, hard times offer an opportunity to find meaning in your life, and for your family members to find meaning in theirs. Emotional challenges are part of the human condition. Life goes up and down. No one is happy all the time. Trust that what you each go through will lead to greater understanding. Please don't feel that you've failed if you can't help your family. It's between them and their spirits to work out together. Trust in  the existence of a higher power and its reflection in all of life, including you.
    I wish you all healing.