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My Family
is Driving Me Crazy
Dear Suzanne,
I really need help. I had a wonderful
therapist in (city) for many years, but having moved back to (city)
a year ago, and being around all the family dysfunction, I'm disappointed
to be drowning in it again. Please send help.
Drowning
****
Dear Drowning,
I sympathize with your predicament.
Especially during the holiday season, but at any time, it is difficult
not to react when someone intimate starts pushing your buttons. If you
haven't read my article "Ten Ways to Survive a Dysfunctional Family," you
may find it helpful (click on the button at the left on this page). If
you need more help, try to find a counselor you like in your new area.
The best referrals are from people you know who are satisfied, but trust
your intuition about a professional you'd feel comfortable confiding in.
If you can't find anyone locally, try a university counseling center, or
the county or state Health and Human Services department.
You might also want to find a
support group where you can draw strength from the experiences of others
in similar situations. What I think of first are the National Alliance
for the Mentally Ill, which is for families of the mentally ill, or Alcoholics
Anonymous co-dependency groups. Check out a chapter or meeting near you
and see if it appeals. If not, investigate universities and mental health
clinics in your area to get referrals and resources. It is important that
you develop a network of friends who will support the new behaviors and
attitudes you developed before. That should help you from crumbling so
easily when your family stimulates old patterns.
Keeping your distance from your
family helps too, and can be used as a last resort.
I wish you healing.
Suzanne
****
"Drowning" replied:
Oh, bless you! I have read your "Ten
Ways" and it was very helpful, along with all of your suggestions for resources.
It really helped hearing from you. I didn't expect such caring from an
on-line stranger. You are a stranger no more. Thank you again.
*******************************************************************************************
Isolated by
Fear
Dear Suzanne,
I am too afraid to see a doctor,
but it seems like I go through some strange behaviors. It has been happening
periodically for the last nine years or so. But ever since I was a little
girl I felt lots of emotional struggles. I tried to be happy and stable
but at times I felt very lonely and depressed. Now I am thirty with two
children. I get headaches often. I find myself tired a lot, dizzy and not
knowing what to talk about with people, even my own husband, and then I
get a strong sense of isolation. I make friends with people and then it
seems like they don't want anything to do with me.
Just the other day at a Christmas
party, a few women came up and we were talking when the strangest
feeling started coming over me. Then more people came around me and the
feeling got worse. By the time I got home I was very depressed. The next
morning after dropping my son off to school I went into a store and kept
hearing in my mind all these fearful things like being afraid of certain
aisles and feeling uncomfortable with myself every time someone looked
at me. I'm finding I can't even look people in the eye these days. Also
as I was driving I felt a sense of real disorientation. I got home and
just wanted to cry but I had too much I had to do.
Now I'm still feeling it, but it
doesn't seem as bad. Does this sound like some form of schizophrenia? I
don't know what to do or where to go. I have no insurance and it is so
hard to trust people. Since this is over the internet I feel freer to open
up. I hope you can give me some suggestions that might help. I know
I need to be able to cope with all of this.
Frightened
****
Dear Frightened,
I understand your struggle. Each
of us has a challenge in life, and our challenges also provide us our greatest
lessons. We all come into life with a purpose, something to accomplish,
to teach or learn. No matter what happens, trust that whatever you do is
what you need to discover your spirit's journey and will enlighten you
in the end. Change doesn't happen overnight, it comes little by little,
more and more each time you bring awareness to the problem. Don't be discouraged.
The most important thing is a dedication to try something new and
learn from your experience.The bottom line is that strange behavior is
part of the human condition. It draws our attention to areas within ourselves
that need understanding. Life goes up and down. No one is happy all the
time. We need to develop an attitude that our problems are opportunities
to find out how to have a better life.
The experiences you described
do not sound like schizophrenia to me, although I can't be sure just through
your email. You may be extremely sensitive and don't realize that what
you feel can be a reflection of what you're sensing in others. But I do
urge you to find someone you can talk to about your feelings. No matter
how stupid, strange or awful they seem to you, an outside perspective can
help clear up confusion and free your energy and creativity. Find a therapist,
wise elder, peer counselor, teacher, or clergyperson you trust and feel
compatible with. Schedule an initial meeting and be willing to pour your
heart out. It will probably make you feel better to know you're not alone.
Don't follow advice blindly, but do explore ideas that make sense to you
and see what happens. If they're right for you, they'll stick with you.
Afterward, if you don't feel like you've made progress, find someone else.
Don't expect The Answer, but serve yourself a variety of ideas to take
or leave as you like.
Although you don't have to go
to a doctor or psychiatrist, it might reassure you to have your headaches,
fatigue and dizzy spells checked out. It could be from the tension
you feel. Look for a clinic near you who will accept people without insurance
or charge a small fee based on your income level. This is very common.
Or ask your local government's Health and Human Services Department to
refer you to the nearest mental health clinic. If you belong to a religious
institution or live near a college or university, check to see if they
offer counseling. They often have low-priced clinics, and may even trade
for volunteer work.
It might also help you to learn
to meditate. When life feels like chaos, meditation can cut through the
confusion and calm your mind. It's not hard to start, and it helps you
understand your feelings and tap into your inner wisdom. Find a quiet,
secure place where you can relax and turn your attention inside for as
long as you like. Sit on a pillow or chair, lie down or recline-- whatever
position is most comfortable is what will work best for you. Observing
and counting your breaths is the basic form of meditation, or you can silently
repeat a word (like"peace") or sentence (like "I can have a good life")
that soothes you. When your mind wanders, and it will, come back to your
breath (or soothing words.) Even five minutes a day can make a difference.
The effects are cumulative.
Keeping a journal might help as
well. When you write things down, they can lose their intensity, and you
can look at what you're feeling more objectively.
Take time to have fun and enjoy
life. If you're not at peace, it's not easy to give to others. Something
as simple as a warm bath or a ten-minute walk can change your perspective.
Rest and eat when you need to, drink lots of water, and exercise.
Another thing to consider is that
some allergies can disturb the body's chemistry. Tobacco, alcohol, caffeine,
prescription or mind-altering drugs,wheat, dairy products, nuts and beans,
or nutritional imbalances can cause psychological symptoms. Changing your
diet or habits may work wonders.
Here are some other internet sites
where you can find information:
-Knowledge Exchange Network is
affiliated with the U.S. Health and Human Services Administration's Center
for Mental Health Services. http://www.MentalHealth.org
-Mental Health Matters lists psychological
help, support groups, alternative treatments, mental health research, law,
statistics, patients' rights, and self-help for all psychological and emotional
disorders. http://www.Mental-Health-Matters.com
-MentalHelp.Net is another useful
site with lots of resources and information.
http://www.mentalhelp.net
I wish you healing.
Suzanne
*********************************************************************************************
My Brother
is Dying
Dear Suzanne,
I have a two-part question. Part
One: My brother is dying of a brain tumor. He's been staying with friends
who are more able to care for him than I am. I'm hurt and jealous about
his choosing to be cared for by friends instead of his own sister, but
at the same time I know I could never do it myself. I see him as much as
I can, plus I'm helping care for his son, whose mother left when he was
a baby and hasn't been seen since, but I have a full-time job I can't afford
to lose.
I talk to my brother on the phone
every day, but he's getting weaker and it's hard for him. Right now I'm
feeling really bad about how it went today. I was telling him about talking
to our Mom (who's always annoyed both of us very much) and her silly story
about the secret family tomato sauce recipe, when my brother interrupted
me and said he was nauseated and had to hang up. I never know the right
thing is to say at a time like this, so I was trying to amuse him, but
I must have made him sick, and I don't know why. Can you help me figure
out what went wrong and how I can fix things?
Part Two: I'm having trouble talking
to my nephew too. He's my brother's only child and still a teenager. He's
very independent and good natured, but I'm afraid that like me, he doesn't
know what to say, or even how he feels. My brother didn't want to upset
his son while there was still a chance, but a week ago the doctors said
there was nothing else they could do and sent him home to die. He finally
told his son the truth, and my nephew seems to be in shock. How can I help
him?
Superficial Sister
****
Dear Sister,
I suggest you consider yourself
blessed to have someone else to care for your brother. Although you want
to help, you shouldn't extend yourself to the point where it would ruin
your life. Your brother probably wouldn't want you to do that, either.
As for your jealousy, it may be symptomatic of a doubt that he knows how
much you love him. This should be your main goal now, not telling him amusing
stories about someone who annoys him. If he's dying, you only have a limited
time to communicate the most important things you want him to know. If
you want to tell stories, talk about times when you enjoyed yourselves
together. Or things you appreciate about him. Get real. Treat each conversation
as if it might be your last, because it might. It's life and death, now
or never. If you don't know what to say or how to express your feelings,
tell him so. It really doesn't matter what you say, or if you say anything.
What counts is connecting. If you can't think of anything, or if you're
overwhelmed, just hold his hand. Feel your love for him, and trust that
he'll feel it too. Use this as a chance to be more than you ever thought
you could. It would honor your brother and his situation, and probably
please him too.
As for your nephew, help him express
his feelings, listen to him and comfort him. If he gets stuck, ask him
leading questions. Don't try to tell him what you think, just focus on
getting him to discover it himself. If he is like you and confused about
what he's feeling, tell him about your experience, and what you do when
you're confused. Tell him how you feel about his father. Help him find
places in his body that hurt or feel frozen and to focus on them until
the related emotions surface. It may loosen you both up if you let him
know you're going through the same thing, learning how to handle your terrible
grief and not knowing how to talk about it.
I wish you all healing.
Suzanne
********************************************************************************************
My Sister
Needs Help
Dear Suzanne,
My sister was hospitalized two years
ago and is on medication, but it isn't helping. She keeps over twenty-five
cats in her house which is grossly filthy. She can't get to the kitchen
because it's filled with cat litter, feces, urine and garbage. She sleeps
on a mattress covered with stains, and her bathtub is full of soiled cat
litter. The smell is quite noticeable to passersby, and the Animal Rescue
League contacted her but is temporarily at bay because she promised to
reduce the number of cats.
I feel so sad and helpless. I'm trying
to get her help, and feel an assisted living situation would be best, but
she's difficult to work with and quite hostile. She's forty-five years
old, single, and has a drinking problem. She's been evaluated and reevaluated
by her therapist, but I'm sure she's not honest with him. Please advise
what I might do.
Desperate
****
Dear Desperate,
I applaud your desire to help
your sister, and understand how difficult and frustrating it can be to
try. If you believe she would be better off in the mental health system,
you can take action if you choose to. Most treatment options require her
cooperation. If she refuses, you may want to consider legal options, but
that can be daunting, even heartbreaking, plus lawyers must be paid. It's
a big, emotionally-challenging job, so you should undertake it only if
you're sure that you want to, out of love and integrity, not guilt, self-sacrifice
or control.
Residential treatment may be appropriate,
and the court can commit her to a treatment center if you can convince
a judge that she's a danger to herself or others. Be aware that the judge
may deny you if s/he feels your sister is entitled to and capable of making
her own decisions. You might argue the "danger to herself" position and
see what happens. If you can get the health department and/or her therapist
involved, it may help. Contact her local social services department to
make sure she's signed up for whatever funding she's qualified for that
will cover medical and psychiatric services. You can also petition to be
named her guardian, which would give you some legal authority, but check
with a lawyer as to what that specifies in your state, as it may involve
financial responsibility.
Both of you would probably benefit
from joining the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI), where you
both can draw on the wisdom and strength of people with similar experiences.
For more information, visit their website-- http://www.nami.org
Or find a group in your area
at: http://www.nami.org/cfapps/Affiliate_Finder/affiliate_finder.cfm
I wish you both healing.
Suzanne
*****************************************************************************
My Dad is Mentally
Ill
Dear Suzanne,
After I graduated, I moved out of
my parents' house and got an apartment with my boyfriend. My parents moved
a month later to the same town. My dad started a new job, but couldn't
handle it. He stopped the medication he'd been taking for thirty years
and everything started going downhill. He kicked my mom out, and seems
to be trying to ruin everyone else's lives too. He comes to my house without
permission, and does so many strange things that I can't live my own life
any more. I'm wrapped up so tight in the middle that I can't even begin
to think of getting out, but I've got to find a better way to deal with
this. He seems to be a different person everyday. The health and welfare
people and the cops tell us that he has to actually hurt someone to be
put in the hospital, and I'm afraid it might be someone in our family.
I've tried to do whatever I can think of to help him but nothing works.
I'm running out of options, and things are just getting worse.
I've heard that schizophrenia is
a hereditary illness, and I've also heard that is isn't. I've done some
research which leads me to believe that my dad had complications with Encephalitis
in the second grade which caused a chemical imbalance in his brain. Then,
at twenty-five, he had a nervous breakdown while serving in Vietnam, which
lead to his first stay in a mental facility and began taking a high potency
drug, Navane. The only family history of mental illness that I know of,
was that my dad's great aunt, had a slight mental illness, but I believe
the Encephalitis made him vulnerable to the nervous breakdown during the
traumatic experience with Vietnam. I would like to know if I, my brother,
or our offspring could ever inherit Schizophrenia? If so, what are the
chances of this?
Worried
****
Dear Worried,
I understand how heartbreaking
and challenging it can be to cope with mental illness in a loved one. We
want to help, but at the same time not get too close and ruin our own lives
in the process. "I can't even think about getting out," you said. This
is the kernel of the issue. Your first responsibility is to yourself. Your
own mental health should be foremost to you. If you aren't clear, you can't
help anyone else. Focus on what makes you feel good about yourself and
the direction of your life.
No matter what you decide to do
in terms of your relationship with your father or his situation, trust
that we each come into life with a purpose, something to accomplish, to
teach or learn. Both you and he are doing what you need to to discover
your purpose in life. No matter how bad it looks, your father's condition
is a reflection of his spirit's journey. Nothing you can do will change
that for him. Try to look at his illness as his way of discovering the
meaning of his life, just as your reaction to it is a way of finding meaning
in yours.
Develop an attitude which allows
you to be at peace with his process, as well as your own, and keep letting
him know that you care about him. Just do your best, and do what you can
when it works for you, but not at your own expense. Hold your father in
your heart and continue to hope for the best possible outcome, no matter
what the actual circumstances are. He may never change, but you can still
have the life you want without feeling guilty about it as long as you try
your best, love him, and hold the best wishes for his welfare and recovery.
No one really knows what causes
mental illness or what cures it. Some people respond to talking therapy
or medication, some get better on their own, and some never do. As for
the probability of your inheriting schizophrenia, the statistics I've seen
range from ten to fifteen percent for children of schizophrenic parents.
That is not very much, and a lot depends on how you handle your internal
reality. For your children, it would be even less. From what you say about
your father's illnesses, injuries and traumatic experiences, I agree that
that could have some influence too, which of course would not be hereditary
at all.
You would probably benefit from
joining the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI), where you can
draw on the wisdom and strength of people with similar experiences. For
more information, visit their website-- http://www.nami.orgOr
find a group in your area at: http://www.nami.org/cfapps/Affiliate_Finder/affiliate_finder.cfm
I wish you both healing.
Suzanne |
